trauma

i purposefully havent posted here because it hurts... rah is fine (for now) but berlin is injured, badly. to the point that she's completely retired from all sports right now. its killing me and im reliving all my past failures and shortcomings with all my other dogs, so i have nothing to say here that's inspirational - in fact, i havent even been training my other dogs because quite honestly i have nothing to give them right now.

berlins recurrent neck pain prompted me to take her to the neurologist and have an MRI appointment - the results showed that she has a herniated disk in her neck and early wobblers - stenosis of her spinal canal that is compressing her cord and causing intermittent pain. worse, its progressive to the point of possible paralysis. there are options - both in alternative medicine and traditional, but im not sure how i am going to progress at this point because with rest and light activity she's 100% sound and rarely has episodes of pain. i refuse to stop letting her wrestle with rah - and in fact, she goes CRAZY if i dont take her running with me when i go (she runs around the house frantically getting to each window crying and screaming)... she thrives on the things we did together.

shes the reason i started agility. she's the reason i dropped 75 lbs. she's the reason im becoming a better trainer. and now she's the third fucking doberman in a row that i have that won't be able to accomplish anything she is truly capable of because time just isn't on our side.

so berlin retires Beja's Bombs Away v Bowie, CD BN RN NA NAJ - i may still play around with her in APDT and CDSP rally because she can avoid the jumps, but retrieving hurts. i can go into the symptoms for her later that led to this but right now im just hurt, angry, frustrated and pissed off at the world. and myself.