Saturday, February 27, 2010

its still hurting

no thursday classes this week because of snow. wednesday was just agility for berlin, classes for rah. next week rah will only be in utility. im limiting things for financial reasons and to keep things easy on him until i know how he will be doing. ironically, he's going to be trialing in open pretty heavily next month so im wondering if i should keep him in open too.

a few people have made comments about me continuing to train him and that option, and a few more have made comments about my option to continue to show him. someone made an implication as to what would happen if he dropped dead at a show.

dont you think i worry about that? don't you think its a concern i have? you think its not a concern i have about every little thing he does?

i dont know. its still so fresh. im still so angry. and sometimes im still so lost about all of this. and sometimes i still just sit here and cry because im afraid im up against a time limit that im not going to be able to beat. taking him to classes is sometimes the hardest thing i can do. having him sit out of agility just watching.

this hurts in so many ways. maybe its just more obvious in dog training and showing because it plays such a large part in our lives.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

thursday, longevity, and switching oh my

last weeks thursday class i worked berlin. clearly we need a stay revamp again - we worked those last night and she had to have some reminders from mom. but she did hold stays while i was working and playing with rah in front of her.

otherwise she worked her little butt off, i was very happy with it. her retrieves need to be faster and more committed, but she's doing them cleanly. in my mind i score attitude, i cant help it.

broad jump needs to be broken down to basics for a minute to remind her that i KNOW this is a very small jump and its nothing for her, but she still needs to put more EFFORT into it :) maybe ill jump her higher than she needs to be just to make the broad jump bigger...

with all the dobes getting sick (just got word on another) and faced with their limited timelines, i think i need to have at least one dog in the house that i can look to being able to show/train/compete/LIVE til 10. its just not fair, getting a dog ready to come out in utility and prepared for so much awesome-sauce-ness and then to have this happen - to be faced with the limited future we have, however long it is.

this heartache is too much sometimes. it wont stop me from having dobermans, but there may be another breed here too.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

falling into the rut

im prefacing this with the fact that im not ignoring rah's heart disease - it's the elephant in the corner of the room, it's ever present in my mind, it's there in everything i do, ever movement he makes. but i am trying my best not to let it ruin every little thing i enjoy in life. there are few things i do anymore that i take true pleasure in just for me, just because i want to do them - the responsibilities of my life have become such that i have a lot of things i have to do, a lot of things i must do - and so many drains and requirements on me that very few things i get to do because i want to. this is one of them.

he's been on meds for a week, and i rechecked bloodwork and a quick ECG on tuesday and it showed NO vpc's at all - which has me and the cardiologist very hopeful that things will be regulated very well for at least a little while. i have a call in to UofFl to see if he qualifies for their stem cell therapy study in which case rah may be taking the vacation i never get to take so he can have cutting edge surgery to fix his broken heart. (if only such an option existed for mine).

someone made the comment that this is because i love rah more - i dont love rah more. i adore berlin just as much - she's my bitchy bitch, the dog whose personality mimics mine to a T. rah loves everyone - i cannot say the same for me. rah wants nothing else than to have people love him, admire him, and touch him all the time. berlin and i want nothing else than for people to leave us the !@#!@#!@ alone. rah wants what he wants, to please him. berlin wants to be with me. i would do the same for her - but right now, i dont have to make those awful decisions, and hopefully i never will. right now, she's got half her body underneath the computer and on my lap. she's attached to me at the hip. we may have our issues we work out in terms of training, but we certainly have mutual love and admiration going on. sometimes we just have the problem of whose the bigger bitch :)

had a private lesson on saturday - worked rah a bit (it was agility) but he wasn't 100% sound - debbie noted that whether it was concern over soundness, concern over his heart, meds? who knows - but both of us were in MUCH more control of ourselves and it was nice. he rocked his serpentines in very close quarters - then i switched and got berlin and worked a course that had a lot of flips and crosses and tight turns. she got tired and poopfaced because she hates outs while i do a cross so we had too work on the whole "YOU WILL NOT RUN A POOP DOG" and then we brought rah back out to work on his verbal cues for rear crosses over the jump. because he is vortex-y.

yesterday i decided not to run rah in agility this session - waiting til after his next echo/holter on 3/11 before we go back to that excitement! just berlin - worked on a course with lots of 180's and incorporated independent weaves. she has problems collecting herself into the weaves so she missed entrances, but the second course she did well (of course, she was going much slower into that entrance!) - being the fastest dogs in the class make it harder on my two, which is why rah NEVER gets the entrances). the second course had her beloved serpentines - and she is the serpentine QUEEN (she's also pretty good at threadles) - i dont know why we rock these so hard. ironically she handled it better when i broke it down and did a landing side front cross for the second half but she was nice!

rah did open and utility tonight (though im not sure i will do both classes with him next session) - he was so much calmer in retrieving tonight too, he was doing AWESOME calm fronts !!! WHO GAVE ME THIS DOG???? perfect fronts, calm, no stepping around. no front feet movement. i loved it. heeling wasn't wonderful and he was forging but oh well... drop wasn't super fast, his ROH was a bit sloppier on the front, his fig8 was very nice and he had great position. halts were very nice today.

utility - VERY nice gloves - screwed up #3 pivot the first time, but the second time he had lovely pivots, went out to all of them and pretty good fronts, fairly nice finishes. did awesome at articles (i didnt even think if his meds would affect his ability to scent?). go outs were very nice, i didnt jump him at his full height.

his moving stand and signals are going to be his ever present area to work on - i need him to stop moving his feet. the signal part is fine - its the STILL part. the not moving. im really at a loss here. just stand still rah. STAND STILL. CAN YOU DO STILL??? EVER???????? STOP MOVING>


Wednesday, February 10, 2010


extreme blizzard conditions an approx 12 inches of snow on the ground now with more expected means no training tonight. berlin is still in heat and im not battling sexy pants right now, so rah will do her open class tomorrow. maybe ill even train in the house today.

because i have no woooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrk. no work. no work.

im still waiting to hear from the cardiologist. im trying not to obsess. im also sending in entries for rah because gosh darnit the dog likes to show.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

days off from training: 1

hours spent humping sister: 2

new plan of attack: dog will continue to train and trial as before as long as cardiologist is not opposed to it, for sanity and health of entire household.

Friday, February 5, 2010

faced with mortality

this week there won't be any training updates. there may not be any training for awhile. or ever. i dont want to be morose and im trying to stay upbeat and say i won't change his lifestyle at all and it will not affect our goals, it won't affect our day to day...

but rah rah, my noodle man, has been most likely diagnosed with occult dilated cardiomyopathy. he saw his cardiologist yesterday for a screening and he had multiple ventricular premature contractions, left ventricular dilation and a significant reduction in his contractility. he just finished a 24 hour ECG and once this snowstorm passes i will drive it back down to the cardiologist and we will get the results ASAP and tailor his drug regime.

he's currently asymptomatic. but my heart is breaking and for right now, im just going to rest where we are, i need to just be here with him for a bit. im sad for so many things, so many reasons, on so many levels. and im so very angry.